Not Sleeping Tonight
It has been an interesting week on a personal side, a week that blew up this weekend, and with all that turmoil I find trouble sleeping tonight. I find when there is turmoil my mind goes around like a never ending merry-go-round, complete with the carousel horses moving up and down. I tried laying in bed looking under each horse on that carousel, but alas I still did not find my answers, therefore I am up staring at my computer screen, playing another computer game (Beach Party Craze) trying to make some sense out of other peoples actions and my feelings. In my mind I try to determine when is it time to draw a line on another person’s actions, is okay to allow them to use hurtful words to you, is it enough for them to constantly place blame upon you, when is it enough that the yell at you instead of speaking civilly. Where is my line? As I ponder those question it becomes of great importance for me to contemplate more moral beliefs and values, do I maintain those beliefs and values if it means that I may not see another person that means something to me? If someone close to me was a drug addict or a criminal would I remove them within the closeness of my life because of my personal moral fiber I feel they would infringe on. As I think about this I think about a stranger, or a friend, would I accept being treated badly from either? Would I accept bad behavior from someone I called a friend? No I would not. I have lost friendships in the past and/or simply chose not to have a person as a friend that did not fit into my moral beliefs and values. So why do I look at those carousel horses hoping it would appear different when these people are my children.
I look at this picture and think of my middle daughter, the beautiful giggle, the lap climbing, blankie hugging, kisses for mommy girl and my heart breaks. She is presently making choices I just can’t deal with, maybe another could but I just can’t because her choices are against my moral fiber. I worry that some of my feelings are the dreams I had for my girls growing up, and I don’t understand what happened to those dreams, they were the typical mom dreams to me. I know I can be a strict mother, but I simply wanted so much for my daughters. I wanted them to be smarter than some of the other girls, to dream and hope to accomplish things for themselves in life. I wanted to see them succeed, to not get caught in a too young relationship in high school, to graduate high school, to go to college, to earn a degree they could be proud of. I had visions of them graduating from college, finding a good job, and somewhere in there finding that nice man. The man that treated them like queens, bought them flowers and jewelry to make their eyes tear with love; a man that loves them to such a depth he would trade his life for theirs. More dreams of them getting married, the white dress, the hugs, kisses, and tears; then of course the grand kids. All my dreams for my daughters are very idealistic, straight from my generation’s mommy book. I wonder if kids today see those dreams that differently, and if they do, why they do. This daughter is 18 years old now, a senior in high school, a time we should be laughing, enjoying. Twice now I have lost this time with daughters, my first daughter and now my second; both would be over moral values and issues. I believe society is much to blame, I do not now nor will I ever begin to understand when it was decided homosexuality was okay? Did our children lose this when it became okay on television, when Ellen decided to ‘come-out’ in prime time, or when we as parent quit taking them to church? How conflicting for them to understand sexuality when is incorrectly displayed on television and within society. I am more miffed that this daughter thinks and/or feels she is lesbian when she has always been interested in boys and/or guys. I think that a great number of society’s children are confused, as this daughter is. I think she is afraid of men, forgetting and/or not understanding that men have tender sides, sweetness to show a woman if and when it is the right man. I have tried to let her relationship with this other girl not affect me but it has, and it has her too. I wonder if all her angry words at me, her new hateful attitude toward is because I do not accept her girl friend nor her sexuality. I will not accept it within my home, it is against my moral beliefs. I have asked her to leave, to move out, it really shouldn’t be that hard for her anyway she had not been home most of the week. I only top the issues off when she not only doesn’t come home, but doesn’t call. When I was trying to bend my own moral beliefs to work with her, I still felt she wasn’t coming to terms with the rest of my rules. I see this as my house, and as long as I am paying the bills I expect respect (no yelling, cussing, or screaming), I expect someone that will help around the house, I expect consideration (phone calls, communication), I expect at 18 that she can take personal responsibility for her own choices without blaming someone else. I find it ironic that she wants to be the adult yet doesn’t appear to take responsibilities for those choices. We bought this girl a car, nothing fancy a used $4000 car, with that we set the ground rules that were in-turn broken, plus we were lied to; we took the car back. She seems to think we are the bad guys in this, as if we owed her that car, we felt the car was something in response to her doing good in life. I am odds emotionally regarding this girl.
I think back to my oldest, and wonder what has made her choose what she has? Educationally she is doing well, about to earn her college degree, but she left my house at 18, about 8 weeks before high school graduation. She too had gotten in relationship with another girl, now she can’t decide if she wants a relationship with a guy or a girl, so she going to do both. Now I can’t begin to determine in my mind how any kind of committed relationship can be worked when you are talking about a 3 person relationship. I still am lost that she doesn’t plan on getting married because she thinks a committed relationship can be had without any paper or commitment to God. Of course it is tonight that she shares with me that ‘ole loser boyfriend’ (the I have a problem with authority, I like to sleep as a favorite pastime, and I don’t know what a shower is) boyfriend, is moving back in with her – eee gads – I thought when she sent him to stay with his father, to think about what he was doing with his life, to think about a career, that she might actually be thinking in a way I consider level headed; but obviously I was thinking all wrong. I am only guessing that the reason he left is really because my daughter wants a girlfriend and a boyfriend – she wants to live with both! Talk about a break in my moral beliefs. This isn’t even on the other side of the street of my beliefs, this one is on another street in a whole different city!
I have spent so much time trying to determine what is right and wrong in this, how at this point I just don’t feel good about seeing my daughters. I’m not sure how other parents deal with these sorts of things, or had they even feel, but I am not dealing well at all – after all I am not sleeping tonight! I wonder if I am a bad mother when I don’t want to see my children, when the disappointment weighs so heavy on my heart and soul, on my moral values, that seeing them only makes issues worse for me. I thought tonight about telling them ‘when you have nice husbands that know how to wear nice clothes, shower, have jobs, then come and see me; until then call me a couple of times a year to let me know your around’. I doubt I’ll have my daughter’s home for Christmas this year, I just don’t think my brain will be up to that merry-go-round ride.